Forgiveness.....and other stuff

This post has been swimming around in my head for a week now.  Exactly one week.  For it has been one week since my Dad arrived to stay.  He lives in Queensland, in a caravan park, in a van he oh so proudly owns.  Ask him, he'll tell you about it.

I did not know my Dad for a 15 year gap.  Not long after we (My Mum, Step Dad, Brother and miniature chihuaha - in a powder blue datsun - remember datsuns?) packed up our belongings, leaving our own shit-heap caravan/home behind, and headed to Victoria - we lost touch.  Well, more to the truth.....he kind of disappeared.  The kind of disappearing that happens on purpose?  To avoid paying money.  Nice.

Anywho......it TRULY didn't bother me, most of those 15 years.  In fact, I quite preferred it that way.  It was uncomplicated.  One less person I had to deal with.  It simplified my teenage years, to a degree.

Fast forward to circa 2002.  The phone rings.  Some random is on the other end.  And I have NO IDEA who it is.  Turns out it was my Dad.  Turns out he had a minor stroke and a pretty decent car accident.  Turns out he remembered he had children.

I can't even remember how that conversation went.  Needless to say, it must have gone well - given he's been staying here this week.  What happened after that phone call wasn't overly mind-blowing.  It was quite simple.  I had a choice.  I could hold a grudge against him and never let him in, or I could let it go.  The fact that he pissed away my family's security, all that we owned, and gave in to the gambling demons that haunted him?   We went from being a relatively "normal" suburban family with a very successful business owning Father....... to a Fatherless family who had to gather all of their possessions and live in a caravan for a couple of years.  Fun?  Not.

But I did it.  I forgave him.

Life is short.  

When I picked him up from the airport, over a decade after last seeing him, what I did see was an old man.  With next to nothing.  And he got in the car like nothing had ever happened.  So I went along with it.  And still do.

The strangest part about this story?  That he has been here for most of the seven days he's been in Melbourne, and I can honestly say I have not had a decent conversation with him.  Of course, that's not counting the stories he has told me about his kidney stones, constipation, sore shoulder and the strangers I knew nothing about until he told me!  Each day he has been here has been the same.  I go about my usual routines, and he hovers between watching television and popping outside for cigarettes.  

We are still strangers.

I feel like this should sadden me?  But it doesn't.  It just is what it is.  In essence, I am thankful that I have a Father.  One who has, over the past ten years, taken the time to get on a plane every couple of years to come and watch television at my house.  Taken the time and made an effort to send my children, his grandchildren, birthday cards.  And always calls me a week beforehand to let me know he has sent them something.  He has also taken the time to try to be a part of my life.  Even though I think I haven't really let him in.  I don't think he really knows me.  And probably never will.  

For all his faults, I love him.  And I know he loves me - unconditionally.   He never asks me for anything.  Nor do I ever expect anything of him.  So for now, it's working.  This Father/daughter thing.  It may be unconventional in some eyes, but that's my family.  Unconventionally conventional.

I want to end this with one of my all-time favourite quotes. 

 From one of my all-time favourite quoters - Oprah....

Are you a forgiver?  Or a grudger?

Kony 2012

SO.... If you're on Facebook, and you're paying attention to the world, you may very well have stumbled across this.....

Kony 2012

If you have seen it, but haven't watched the accompanying short film - do it! I literally finished watching it only ten minutes ago and because my darling husband is spending the evening on the iMac, and I felt the NEED to blog about this RIGHT NOW I have just put the Blogger App on the iPad so I wouldn't waste a minute! (Apologies if this looks terrible in blogger world!)

I URGE you to take 30 minutes out of your evening, day, life..... And fully take in the enormity of the film's content.

I am INCENSED. INFURIATED. But I also HOPEFUL. I am hoping that this uprising of voices can reach the goal. To bring to JUSTICE the animal at the centre of such denigration. Such hideous crimes upon such beautiful and innocent human beings. Just like you and I. Just like our children. It is beyond comprehension....

SO.... What I am hoping is that you will feel as uplifted by this film as I am. That you will sign the pledge and consider donating to the cause. Or at the very least - you will share the video on Facebook. Please..... And thank you!

Today's post is brought to You by the letter E

E for Emotion.

Emotion is something I feel a lot of.  All the time.  And today has been a roller coaster of emotions.  

From my beautiful catch up with one of my besties this morning, talking about our kids 

and the issues we face.  TEARS.  

The frustration with Ms Chloe as she relentlessly seeks out food because she is hungry.  GRUMPY.  

The annoyance whilst spending over ONE HOUR to vacuum my house. STUFFED.  

The amusement that people take pot shots at each other on Facebook.  Every day I see this, and still - LAUGHTER.  

And the joy at seeing Ms Chloe following my Dad around like his new best friend.  HOORAY!

There were added bonus emotions thrown in, just to mix it up.  But they're not even worth mentioning.  I don't have time.  I can't be bothered.   I give myself a hard time over all the things I could be doing better.  How I could be a better MUM.  A better WIFE.  A better SISTER and DAUGHTER.  

What I DO know - I'm doing my BEST.  And to the people who matter, that is good enough.  

We women give ourselves a bad rap at times.  

Must stop.....

February - done and dusted

February - you have been a fabulous month!  And it's been great taking part in the Photo A Day Challenge!  But today marks the end.....

Day 27 - Something I've Eaten

 Not a hard one......I eat chocolate every.single.day.  I don't gorge myself on it, I actually have very good self control.  One to two bars of a family size block every day.  About an hour after lunch.  It gets me through the rest of the day......

Day 28 - Money

I worked today.....and had the terrible job of going to Ikea to purchase a piece of furniture for a resident.  It was such a difficult task.  All that wondering around the massive new Springvale store.  Gazing at all the shiny things.  And even the not so shiny things.  My eyes were glazed over by the time I reached the checkout.  But I showed amazing restraint, and only spent $30.98.  My husband is astounded......

Day 29 - Music I'm listening to

The kids received $200 worth of iTunes vouchers collectively over Christmas.  Crying shame.  The result of this was an influx of great new music.  Lucky for us, the 13 year old has fabulous taste in tunes.  My favourite at the moment, and the song I always start with when beginning my sewing days, is Florence and The Machine's "Shake It Out".  It gets things moving.

Tomorrow, March 2012.  WOW.  How did that happen? 

Tomorrow brings Fat Mum Slim's March Photo A Day to life.  Are you joining in?

My Ms Midge

It has occurred to me since returning to my sewing machines a few weeks ago, after a Christmas/New Year/School Holidays/Couldn't be bothered hiatus, that I need to work out what it is that I would like from my little business.  Each day when wasting time trawling through the pages of Facebook, I see at least one post from one page telling giving suggestions to other businesses how they could be doing things better.  How they could get more "likers", more business, more traffic through their business.  I used to read these articles with much interest, mainly because I thought I should 

read them with much interest.

In Ms Midge's infancy, I joined in on "liking ladders" - where you would post your business's link under someone else's, and everyone would go and like each other's pages.  I did this because it seemed to be what everyone else was doing?  But I opted out of that pretty quickly.  Firstly because I ended up liking pages that were Photographers from other parts of the land, Real Estate agents from other parts of the land and some were even businesses I would never, ever use the likes of - as they were on a completely different continent!!  I just didn't see the sense in it all?

A lot of the steps I have taken in building my business have been successful.  It has steadily grown, and up until Christmas I physically (nor mentally) could have taken on any more sewing that I had!  Every spare waking hour was spent filling orders and making relentless trips to the post office.  I needed the hiatus.  I needed to re-group.  And I did.

So mid-January, I took tentative steps back into my sewing room and filled the orders I had for art smocks and library bags.  I couldn't let all of the kids down who were relying on my goodies to prepare them for school!  But then I sat back.  What to do now?  How do I get back in to it?  

How do I grab people's attention?

I'm glad to say that orders are starting to filter back in, and I'm enjoying using my imagination.  I'm trying new patterns.  Have bought some new fabrics.  And am pleased with what I am achieving.  

What I have now worked out, is that I don't want to be like all of the other businesses I am potentially "competing with".  I want to be able to let my imagination run free.  And I would like to think my lovely customers want me to do so too?

I also would like to share the things I am learning as I go along.  Only two years ago I would have been lucky to have spent an hour on a sewing machine - in one whole year!   Now, it's a daily passion.  And I'm amazing myself with what I can achieve.  What I can make.  The self belief.  I will endeavour to share my lessons here with you!

My latest creations - Gorg-wah Pinafore dress and divine little Capelet!

So that's what I'm going to do.  Each day I have to create, I'm going to just do that.  Pull out patterns and fabrics that "grab me".  Create something I would love to see my kids wearing or owning and hope that it tickles someone else's fancy as much as it does my own!

And just for sentimentality - I would like to thank all of my wonderful friends and customers!  Your faith in my ability is lovely, and without you all - I wouldn't even have a business!  

Stay tuned - Ms Midge has lots more to offer! xxx

24. 25. 26.

Day 24 - Inside my bathroom cabinet.

Self explanatory really.  But I will explain anyway.  This is a family of six's bathroom requirements all stuffed in to one small bathroom cupboard.  Why?  Because our other little bathroom does not have any power points!  And it's in the laundry.  And I think everyone forgets we have a second bathroom, until I'm sitting on the toilet and the door flies open and a child jiggles up and down, round and round because "I'M BUSTING MUMMMMMMM!".  And I remind them there is another toilet a matter of seconds away.....

Day 25 - Green. 

Camilia Leaves.  My favourite kind of green.  You can see the couple of yellow leaves peeking out, reminding me that although Melbourne's seasons are completely up shit creek at the moment, Autumn WILL still arrive, and then Winter WILL blow in with all its might!

Day 26 - Night.

 Yep, the sky at 8pm on a very hot Melbourne night.  Still plenty of sunlight, melted in to the clouds that are becoming more menacing each hour.  We took the kids out for a surprise tonight, to Cold Rock Ice Creamery.  And on the way home, at 7.30, Chloe proclaims it's getting late.  I think it had more to do with being tired than the actual visual cues a three year old would look for.  Oh Summer, how I will  miss you. I know before too long, everyone will be locked inside past 4pm for fear of catching the death of cold!

I'm Sorry Too

No....really I am

Joining Eden Riley again......and find myself really working on this blog post.  Thank you for challenging me Eden.... Here goes....

I'm sorry for not having patience.  I'm sorry for yelling and for not waiting to hear what you have to say.  I'm sorry I am not the kind of Mother who sits down and plays games and puzzles for hours.  I'm sorry I always left that stuff for Nanna to do with you.

I'm sorry for not fully understanding or "getting" your mental illness.  I'm sorry I have to check out of our relationship at times, to breath and not be overwhelmed,  because you are so overwhelmed.  I'm sorry I can't be with you in your darkest hours, the hours you spend awake at night because your mind is racing and your heart is broken.  And i'm sorry you feel so alone.

I'm sorry you "de-friended" me.  But I'm only sorry because you have missed out on so much since then.  I'm sorry that my daughter no longer has the god-mother she was given at her baptism.  But grateful that she now has an amazing woman to call Aunty.  I'm sorry I can't look at you every.single.day.  I'm still angry, frustrated and annoyed.  But I'm also grateful, amazed and in wonder of all the beautiful friendships that have taken your place.

I'm sorry I'm not a martyr.  I know how to say no.  So I do.  And I don't feel bad about it - most of the time.  I'm sorry I tell you all the things you don't want to hear.  I only speak the truth.  No bullshit.

I'm sorry I'm a hard task-master.  I don't mean to be annoying when I find that things aren't done the way I would do them.  Or when I don't understand why you wouldn't think to do the things that I think would be automatically done!  I'm trying to be less anal-retentive...

I'm sorry I ate KFC for dinner tonight.  Truly sorry.

I'm sorry I can't always shoot straight from the hip here.  I wish I was a blogger who could say anything without the fear that someone I know would read it and take offence!  But I can't.  It's not how I roll....