Raising a Child Takes A Village - Raising a Child with Social Media Involved Takes An Army.

If you've been around these parts for a while, you will know that I am partial to putting on my ranty pants.  I get my knickers in a knot about all kinds of interesting bullshit - but mostly about teenagers and the way things are today.

Enter today's post.

I think I'm doing an OK job as a parent.  I think that my eldest son's Dad and I, together with my husband and his Dad's partner, are banding together in some kind of strange unity to get him through these revolting teenage years.  If someone had of told me ten years ago that we would be working together, I would have laughed hysterically.  But a couple of months ago, when our son decided it was time to "up the ante" and test the proverbial waters, we all joined forces to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN.

And it's worked.  So far.

What I AM struggling with, is being aware of everyone else's children.  Being aware of what they're up to, the shit they're getting in to.  And their parents being oblivious to it.  Hey, I'm not saying I'm perfect - clearly not.  It took almost six months for us to find out that our son had been feeding us bullshit sandwiches!  But in relation to social media - I'm on it.  I'm on his back - always have been, always will be.  We have explained to him what is and what is not acceptable when on social media applications.  That "liking" photos of scantly clad women with derogatory memes or FB pages called "Straya C*nt" not only offends me at times, it also shows up on all his other friends news feeds - including his grandmothers........ and that is NOT acceptable.  We have explained to him that just because a 15 year old girl has the username "Infinity_whore" (yes, you read that correctly), does not mean that it is OK.  It in fact means that she is not only degrading herself, she is allowing others to think it's OK to use such derogatory terms.  NOT OK.

I could go on.  And on.  And on.  I have so many tales to tell about instances we have had to pull him up and educate him on how we expect him to be using social media.  And how it doesn't matter whether other parents let their children use it - or in a lot of cases - don't give a shit about how their children use it.  What matters is how HE uses it.

I digress.  The reason I chose to write AGAIN about this, today, is because I have found myself in yet another quandary in regards to knowing about a child's behaviour and trying to decide whether or not to let said child's parents know?  I know the parents, from many years ago, but we are not friends as such.  I have stewed on the information for a couple of weeks now, debating how I would divulge the information?  Would I want to know if it were my young teenage daughter?  Would I want to hear it from someone else?  I put it out there late last night to my FB friends, and the resounding answer was YES.

So this morning I have been stewing further, going over several different drafts in my head, and have put it down in a FB message to before-mentioned Mother.  I am still yet to send it.

Earlier this year, I wrote this status on my personal FB page, after reading THIS post on MamaMia:

"Some of you already know this, but to everyone else - I will contact you if I see your kids posting inappropriately on social media, or if they're younger, just letting you know that their settings are public when perhaps you would like them to be private. I'm hoping you'd all do the same! Social media can be used so wonderfully - to engage with people in a wonderful way - it's such a shame that it gets used so shitfully at times. xx"

And a whole lot of friends agreed to do the same.  In the past couple of years, I've messaged, phoned and emailed parents when I've come across something I feel is either inappropriate or potentially dangerous with regard to their children.  It is always received gratefully, and in some instances, the parents have had absolutely no idea what Facebook or Instagram even are.

My best piece of advice?  Become an expert.  An expert on social media.  Learn how to use all forms of it.  And check in on your children.  See what they are "following", "liking" and laughing at.  Because without your direction and knowledge, they are trying to learn for themselves what is right and wrong.  They are learning from other kids, who possibly don't know what they're doing either.  Social media is a whole new world in terms of parenting.  I was trying to work out what to compare it to - but I've come up with nothing.  Nothing compares to the murky waters that social media has presented to us as parents.  And I hate to think that anything ever will.

Are you navigating the murky waters of teenagers and social media?  How's it working for you?

Sign Of The Times?

Do you remember when you were growing up and you'd hear your grandparents say "Back in my day...." or your parents say "when I was a girl....."?  Do you remember rolling your eyes and thinking "yeh, yeh" and wondering what all the fuss was about?  Thinking that all of them were just old fogies who had no idea about what you were going through, about the type of world you were growing up in?  And thinking "when I'm a parent, I'm NEVER going to be like that!"?  Well, I feel like I'm in a never-ending version of that complete paragraph at present!

One word - Teenagers.

I want to know what on earth has happened in the 20 years since I finished being a teenager?  Since when did it become OK to do everything that it wasn't OK to do when I was a teenager?  Have I really been living under a rock BOULDER???  I don't think I'm naive, I don't think I'm a fuddy duddy, in fact I think I'm a pretty COOL MUM.  But if the teenage years get more eventful and more testing the older they get - I could lose my cool.....

At 14 years of age, I had only just relinquished my Barbie dolls, started filling out a bra and was not remotely interested in sex.  Don't get me wrong - I had a pulse, and hormones, so I knew the opposite sex existed - I just wasn't interested nor prepared to get involved in anything more than a kiss.

Fast forward to 2013........where 13 year olds think it's OK to drop the F bomb in front of their friends' Mum.  Where parents think it's ok for the same age girls to roam the streets after 5pm, hang out with boys unsupervised and wear the most ridiculously skimpy clothes known to man.  Morals are thrown out the window (or maybe they're just not taught?), restrictions on phone calls don't exist (can you imagine calling someone at 11pm back in 1988?) and writing on FB that you're on the phone to your "sexy boyfriend".  13.  THIRTEEN.

You may have guessed what I'm dealing with?  I thought the fact I had to go and borrow the "Where do I come from" book last week, for the younger members of the family, was enough sex talk for at least a month, but apparently not.  It seems my world has now become one of repetitive conversations about what is appropriate and/or inappropriate behaviour.  

Remember this little gem of a book?

The expectations I have as a parent are pretty simple - I thought?  But I'm slowly realising that perhaps my expectations are completely out of whack with the time I'm living in?  A certain someone said to me today that he was "glad he doesn't have daughters".  And I replied that I was glad I did, because I will teach my daughters (and my sons!) morals, self-esteem and love.  That my daughters will have a slew of restrictions of what/how they can and cannot wear, do, say and behave.  And that there will be consequences for the choices they make in their lives.  Am I really being THAT unrealistic to think that I can have so much input in to how my children are going to turn out?  Do I have to just give in to the fact that times have changed and expectations appear to be somewhat lowered?

I'm doing my best.  I'm having VERY open and honest conversations on a very regular basis.  I'm ensuring the teenager is informed and protected.  But I feel like I'm going "against the tide" so to speak.

Do you have teenagers?  Do you have expectations?  Discuss!

The God Father.......Minus The Horse's Head

Yesterday was yet another big day in our family's lives....Chelsea played in her second basketball grand final in a row!  Thankfully the result was better than the first - with a super come from behind win in the dying minutes!  Elation all round as parents hugged each other, families hugged eachother and I looked down to see Cadyn crying tears of happiness for his sister.  His Dad, my husband, the coach - was not too far behind him in the tears department.  Never in my life did I ever think I would be part of a ridiculously sporty family - but I am, and I'm very proud!

After the game, we had to wait around for an hour or so for team photos, and whilst I was standing amongst the throngs of people, I spotted a girl I went to high school with.  She was actually the first person I was introduced to on my first day of high school in Melbourne - way back in July 1990!  And her name was Melissa also.  I ended up moving friend groups, but we were always friendly and as the years went by, several things meant we would always seem to see one another.

One of those things was my relationship with my ex-husband.  His best friend was Melissa's brother-in-law.  His best friend would also end up standing up with us at our wedding and was also chosen to be my eldest son's God Father a couple of years later.  I can still remember his wife's conversation with me after he had been asked to take the role in our son's life.  She had said how honoured he was and that he insisted on choosing a gift and writing in the card himself.  His words were chosen carefully and I can recall being touched with how seriously he took the role of God Parent.

I bumped in to him yesterday.  I haven't seen him for a couple of years.  And he hasn't seen him God Son for at least five years.  For some reason, unknown to me, he slipped out of our lives and cut all ties with my ex-husband.  Well, I understand that part - just not why I didn't hear from them?  I have continued to send school photos with Christmas cards, on the off chance that he still cared about his God Son, but after a while got no response, so had just assumed they must have moved.  But no.  They're still at the same address.

We had a lovely chat and I showed him photos of his God Son on my phone, and he couldn't believe how much he had grown up.  I could - because I see him every day.  I wanted to say that to him, I wanted to question why he had dropped the ball as a God Parent, and why I have to explain to Lachlan that he does in fact have a God Father, but I have no idea why he doesn't have a relationship with him.  It makes me sad.  But then I remember he has an awesome God Mother, who has always gone above and beyond - even from another State - to forge a great relationshp with him.

The amount of thought that has gone in to choosing God Parents for our children is huge.  It's not something we took on lightly.  Although they were all baptised, I am not an overly religious human being, but I wanted my kids to have special relationships with another set of adults whom they could always trust and turn to if they ever thought they couldn't come to us.

Chelsea's God Parents are amazing.  They also happen to be mine and Andrew's best friends.  Cadyn's God Parents have moved a few hours away, and in her own words are "hopeless" God Parents.  I have to remind him who they are.  I still send them school photos on the off chance they want them.  And I still dearly love them regardless!!  He also has one of Andrew's brothers' as a third God Parent - which is fabulous, because he always takes the time out to spend some one on one time with him.  And Chloe?  Well thank God we chose another one of Andrew's brothers' to step up to the plate for her!  Chloe's God Mother chose to sever our friendship, and in turn her role as God Mother, a couple of years ago.  They were very, very close and had an amazing bond.  A bond that has now thankfully been formed with her God Father's long term girlfriend.

I take my own role as God Mother very seriously!  I have three "official" God daughters, one of them interstate, one overseas and one is my niece here in Melbourne.  I also have a number of very special, close to my heart kids whom I would move mountains for!  So it really bothers me when others don't see it as such a special honour and a chance to form a relationship with a little person that can continue for decades.  My own God Mother will always have a special place in my heart and has always been around for me.  And for that - I am eternally grateful.

So - do you believe in God parents?  What does it mean to you?

Too School for Cool?

The discussion going on in our household (and work, and on the phone) is about schools.  To my shock and amazement (and relief), Lochie's Dad told me Sunday night that he was not thrilled with his school and that he would be looking for another school.  I did answer that perhaps WE should look for another school, and perhaps talk about it??  Anywho, after a brief discussion on all things uncool about Lochie's school, we agreed to look into some alternate educational solutions for our almost 14 year old. Which translates to - I spent the week looking into some alternate educational solutions for our almost 14 year old, then shared this information with Lochie's Dad.

I spent a couple of hours on line looking through Catholic school websites.  I sent messages and chatted to friends who have children at said schools, questioning their happiness with the education provided and also querying the terrifying price (OK, not so terrifying, but certainly thousands more than we are paying now) we would have to pay to get a better education?  And I then called schools only to find out that they have waiting lists.....

Sooooo, this week I will be photocopying reports and filling out application forms, trying to say all the right things, in the hope that my intelligent young son will gain a place at a school that will not tolerate the type of classroom behaviour my son's current school seemingly does.  I will then sit on the edge of my seat for the following months wondering if I wrote down all the right things and whether his great reports (in my unbiased eyes) are good enough for him to be allowed a better education?  And if he DOES gain entry into one of those schools, I will then panic about always being able to pay the fees required to keep him at a school that offers more than what he is getting at present?

What has become clear to me, and many parents I have spoken to, is that you really don't know what a school is like until your children are actually attending.  Which, I guess, is the same as life in general?  You don't know what people are like, until you get to know them.  You don't know what a job is like, until you're working it.  And you don't know what the future holds, until you're living it.

Have you had to change your kid's schools part-way through their education?  Do you think we need to set the bar higher in terms of Government school expectations?  Discuss.....

The one where I sound like my Nanna.....

Today was parent/teacher interview day at Lachlan's high school.  He rang me from his Father's last week and said that his Dad thinks because his test scores etc were so good, he didn't have to go to the interviews.  I did not agree with this.  Lochie went forward and arranged for the interviews.

For those not familiar with high school - at this school, your child goes to each teacher and fills in a form with a ten minute slot for your interview.  He gained four slots for me, one after the other - good boy!  This meant the process would be done and dusted in 40 minutes.  Fab.

So the time arrives and we head off to school.  Get there right on time for Japanese teacher.  Now, I wrote last year of Lachlan's eagerness to learn Japanese.  And how I was astounded that he "got it".  This year - a little different.  He told me a few weeks ago that he was finding it boring.  And not doing so well.  So this was crunch time.  Same teacher as last year greeted me with a familiar smile and got straight to the point.  "Lachlan's working a little differently to last year".  I like a teacher who doesn't pull any punches!  Our interview progressed well, I told her Lachlan's thoughts, whilst he sat prostate in his chair, embarrassed that I had told his teacher he thought it was boring.  But she was very honest and shared some interesting points.....

"Do I have your permission to confiscate his iPod and laptop in class?"   PARDON????  My response to her was one of raised eyebrows, a WTF? look on my face and me sitting forward in my chair.  This is when I went all Nanna......

"What is he doing with his iPod in class?" I ask.  Mrs Japanese enlightens me.  Apparently the school policy on having iPods and phones in class is up to the discretion of the teacher.  PARDON????  Mrs Japanese gathers I am rather entertained by this fact.  I am actually surprised, shocked and disgusted.  She proceeds to fill in the blanks by telling me that whilst she is teaching, children (I will call them children opposed to students, because I want to bang home my Nanna-ness by stating they are bloody CHILDREN!!!) use their laptops to watch movies.  They ignore her directions to hand in their iPods and will question her authority to do so.

By this stage I am rather aghast at the fact that this is all going on in my son's learning environment.  Whilst I'm peeling my jaw off the ground, Lachlan tells Mrs Japanese that he has stopped listening to his iPod in class after she last requested he do so.  He then says "lucky I don't have a bra" and laughs at his little joke.  PARDON????  Another pearler.  The year 8 girls will put their iPods in their bras so the teachers have no choice and cannot confiscate them........  Oh Dear.

I look at this lovely and charming 50-something woman, who must have the patience of a Saint, and give her these words:

"Can you imagine us doing that when we were at school?"

Just as the words were escaping my mouth, I realised I was now old.

Although I left Mrs Japanese feeling disheartened about THE YOUTH OF TODAY, (Yep, old old old old old) I was happy that she assured me Lochie is a great kid who is still doing well.  But clearly his boring thoughts were getting in the way of him excelling.  

The other three interviews were fabulous and made me a very proud Nanna Mum!  

Tell me - are you shocked by what kids are getting away with these days?  And are you a Nanna too?

How I like to be "Right".....aka - the joy of proving others wrong.

Today was yet another day I felt the joy of proving ex-husband wrong. Or more importantly - proving I was right. As I write that sentence I feel bad because it means that my eldest son has to have a medical procedure as well as see a bloody podiatrist and physiotherapist....more therapy in our household.

You see, this week, ex-husband's delusion of grandeur was him thinking he was a Doctor. I made an appointment for before mentioned son a few weeks ago, to check up on some weird looking moles and get his feet checked as he was having some issues. Son decided he didn't want to take time out from his school holidays - "I have plans Mum" - and tried to convince me, over Facebook chat, that "Dad looked at my moles and said they looked fine, and my foot too". Ummmmmm, sorry, last time I checked your Father sprayed furniture and kitchens for a living?? Closely followed by - last time I checked, I was your Mother and that trumps your "plans"!!!!

So this morning's scheduled appointment went ahead with no further whinging, until the Doctor declares he has flat feet and needs to see a Podiatrist and Physio.....followed by, "yep, that mole looks a bit dodgy, need to have it removed". Fabulous! So although I was a little concerned with son's abhorrence at having to have a needle and a small piece of skin gouged out, I was just a tad bit satisfied that I could now pass on this information to his Father - therefore confirming that he is not in fact, a Doctor.

But before I did that, I had to pull Son aside and give him a stern talking to, because anyone would have thought he had just been told his legs were going to be cut off! Looks of amusement from a couple of passers-by as I told him "Stop being a bloody drama queen....I gave birth to you four, how much do you think that hurt???"

So, just another day in my life as a Mother. Will be sure to have an interesting post for you after the actual appointment to have said mole removed. I have enlisted the troops - aka My Mother. She will be more likely not to be annoyed and frustrated by son's drama queen impersonation.....

Therapy...

I concluded my last post by stating my next post would have something to do with Therapy, so here I am!

Ther-a-py : –noun, plural -pies.
1. the treatment of disease or disorders, as by some remedial, rehabilitating, or curative process.

2. a curative power or quality.

3. psychotherapy.

4. any act, hobby, task, program, etc., that relieves tension.



Writing, I have found, is very therapeutic. It is really the reason behind me even starting a blog, and although I have not been very religious in posting - often going months without putting hand to keyboard - I find myself writing in my head at times. Strange, but true. Conversations seem to flow so easily inside my head. Sentences rolling off my tongue without any hesitation, and they always make sense. I have often wondered whether this is some form of OCD? The fact that I run through entire future conversations, many I will never even have with people! Sound like I need therapy?

There are so many therapies in this world, from the many wonderful "natural" therapies to the heavy stuff ie. psychotherapy. I am impressed to say I have tried many! When my first marriage broke down (Who am I kidding? When I abandoned my first marriage), I agreed to go to counselling with the ex-husband. This was possibly the most frustrating and, in my opinion, pointless therapy I have ever taken part in. Frustrating because, being the partner in the equation who had already worked through my feelings, I found it hard having to re-hash them - but this time, actually being heard. And pointless because of what I just said - I had already made up my mind and didn't want to have someone trying to coax me into changing it.

I then re-entered counselling a few years later when the aforementioned ex-husband was making my life rather miserable. This round of counselling was much more useful! Last year's journey to a counsellor was for, what I thought, a pretty silly reason. Friendship issues. I found out pretty quickly, that this was NOT a silly reason. Many people seek help for these sorts of problems, generally because they are relationship issues! I think at times, we diminish the impact that our friendships have on our lives - until something negative happens, and we fall in a heap. One session of counselling managed to put a whole lot of worry in to perspective, and for that, I shall be eternally grateful!

And this year? Well, this year, we are beginning a whole new kind of therapy......something I certainly did not ever entertain the idea of, but have really had no choice but to jump in to. My youngest son has had some issues of his own, and we have now sought the services of a child psychologist. Sounds scary, but it really isn't. She now has the title of "Worry Doctor". My first hour with her, spent filling her in on his personality and what was troubling him, ended up being really helpful and eye-opening. The part where I had to go through family history - what a hoot!! And his two sessions with her since have been great. Things are looking up, and a whole new world is being brought to our attention.

So that's my spill. Therapy. Whatever therapy you seek, it will be helpful. If it doesn't solve your problems, there's plenty of others to try! I'm now off to try another.....a couple of hours staring aimlessly at the television!

Ps. Another "Upside" to all this therapy? The reason I am not currently medicated! LOL