Checking In

I feel like I've haven't posted for AGES.  But, in reality, it's only been a few days.  Go figure.  I think the reason I feel like this, is that I haven't posted "personally" as such for a long time?  Well, here's a catch up on what's been happening in this corner of the world for the past few months.....

My kids are growing up.  Like, seriously growing up, and out, and around.  We've celebrated a couple of birthdays..... Cadyn's cricket cake was a hit, and Chloe had a Rainbow themed party for her 5th birthday - and it was an absolute blast!

My biggest boy had his Confirmation.  Seeing him look so smart in his "proper" trousers, a dress shirt and tie almost killed me!  He's so grown up!

And Ms Chelsea?  Well, she is finding a style all on her own!  At ten years of age, she is able to walk out of the house in some "interesting" fashion choices, and works them like nobody's business!  Although her mood swings and delightful eye-rolling are driving us all insane, she is certainly growing up to be a fabulous individual.

Apart from the kids, I have been kept busy with work and a little bit of play.  I'm over my strange little bout of mystery illness that saw me spend a couple of days sitting in hospital, but still curious to find out what on earth caused it.  My husband has put money on stress......

And yes, I have been stressed.  I've been going through a - up til now- rather private battle.  A battle with the much maligned mental illness.  Not my own, but my sister's.  I've said before that it's not my story to tell, however, this past few months have given me my own story - one of a sibling struggling to keep their head above water, whilst paddling relentlessly, and not getting anywhere fast.

I am almost consumed by the need to help my darling sister and her beautiful little family.  I just want things to be better.  To be calm.  But I'm finding it's a battle that just isn't there for me to win.  It's something that yes, I can help to facilitate, but no - I can't fix it.  And that's hard to swallow.....

But on a brighter note......I thank my husband every. single. day.  Many years ago, he told me I needed a hobby.  My interests at that time were relegated to sitting on the lounge watching Oprah and Dr Phil, whilst wrangling multiple young children and a part time job.  The need for library bags and art smocks, when my Chelsea girl was starting primary school, has literally saved my sanity.  It was the beginning of a hobby that had been in hiding for almost 20 years.  I grew up watching my Mum sew.  Day and night.  It was her day job (she worked for many years in the wardrobe department at Dreamworld!), but it was also (and still is) her beloved hobby.

Library bags and smocks lead to frills and frocks.  The frills and frocks lead to quilts.  And the quilts have now lead me to a place of sheer bliss.  Sewing, and quilting, is my saving grace.  It's the place I go to when I need clarity.  When I need to just sit and chill - and the only worry I have is fabric placement and thread choices.

So thank you dear husband.  For the hobby that you told me I needed.  And the hobby I asked you the other night whether you regretted I had?  Your answer was perfect.....

"If it makes you happy"

***  P.S.  To all of the wonderful people who have left comments on my last few posts - I truly appreciate you taking the time to give me your encouragement and cheer me on in my sewing and quilting efforts! I literally have not had time to sit down and reply to all of you - so please forgive me!  I shall be back to replying asap. xxxx

Back to THE Suburb

Last night, we ventured back in to our old suburb.  Apart from getting my hair done, it's the first time I have been back.  We were invited to a get together for Christmas drinks, dinner and swimming.  Perfect.  Only it took me quite a few weeks to decide whether we would be going.  You see, when we moved back in July, we not only moved house, but I moved my head space.  I made a conscious decision to give myself time away from a place that had not only been home for eight years, but had also been very difficult for me to live in for the last two years we were there.

I've written quite a few posts about the shit I went through, but nothing really specific.  I don't find much point in re-hashing past events that I'm "over", but for your sake I'll make it short and sweet.  When Chelsea started Kindergarten, I met a group of really great chicks.  I wasn't really keen on making new friends as I (and this sounds ridiculous) already had enough good friends to get me through.  In fact, I'd only met one of my best friends a couple of years before at playgroup.  Anyway, I embraced these new friendships, and before I knew it, there was a group of us that would sit together at school events, get together on weekends, and go out for dinner on occasion.  Just after I had my hysterectomy, my best friend started distancing herself from me.  And over a month or two, was being so strange around me that I constantly found myself asking her whether I had done something wrong?  After many responses from her that all was well, I was left very confused, but was also very aware that she was spending a whole lot more time with one of the other Mums from school, and to be quite honest - I was hurt.

Eventually I ended up emailing her, and really pressing for a reason as to why things had changed between us?  And that's where it all headed down hill.  Things deteriorated quite quickly and before I knew it I was a bit of an outcast at school and was ignored and shunned by the same people I had become pretty close with.  It devastated me.

Facebook showed me in no uncertain terms that the group were still all friends, and that I had been left out of social gatherings, and my now ex-best friend quite cheerfully changed her profile pics and status updates to include others instead of myself.  Whilst a couple of those women still were polite and cheerful to me in person, my trust was damaged and I had no idea what was being made of me behind my back.   I had become consumed by the events, and was not coping - I'm not ashamed to say that I ended up in counselling.

Thankfully I have an amazing husband, whom at the time told me in no uncertain terms that this group of women would all eventually combust, and turn against one another.  True to his word, this exact thing happened, and some of those same women were left feeling exactly how I had felt.

Throughout this whole shitty ordeal, came a few wonderful things.  I met some other amazing Mums at the school.  And some I already knew became closer to me, and helped lift me out of the crappy situation I was in.

So my mental health was of utmost importance when we moved.  I needed to literally get a whole suburb out of my head.  I needed to re-centre my trust and figure out who it was I wanted to keep in touch with.  Five months later, and a cuppa with a friend early this week ended my break up with suburbia, and helped me to realise that I was now over it.

Fast forward to last night, and a lovely evening spent with some of those same Mums, talking over drinks and screaming kids in the swimming pool.  There wasn't much talk about the past, I'd spoken to each of the women there already, and had buried the hatchet.  It takes a big person to apologise for past mistakes and an even bigger person to let it go.  So yep - I'm calling myself a bigger person!

Anyway, this bigger person has had a fabulous day at work and has just popped the kids in to bed.  Andrew is comfortably planted on the lounge with PS3 controls firmly in hand and I'm wondering how we are going to manage hiding a bike in the shed for 24 hours without the kids sniffing it out?  So with my mental health back at it's best - I will now go and plant my own arse on a different lounge and think of some more reminiscing to share with you before this year is over!

Have you ever felt a time or place has sucked the life out of you?  Do you ever want to throw a video game station out a very high window??  

And We've Only Just Begun.....

The Brown House.  That is the best description I have for it at present.  Brown.  Really brown.  But we have a vision.  Sort of.  It's a bit of a blurred vision right now, but I'm hoping my little exercise book filling up with notes will soon make it clearer.

I have a gazillion more photos of our new home, but am too scared to look too closely, for fear of running!  This little big beauty is most definitely a work in progress.  It's going to take a whole lot of hard work and hard earned money to get it to look the way we want it to, but I'm shitting myself quietly OK with that.

You see - this big brown house is where my husband was brought home to after he left the hospital.  Back in 1979.  This is his childhood home.  Last year sometime, he suggested that when his Mum was ready to downsize (she has been living here by herself for quite a while now) it would be the perfect sized home for us and our tribe, and perhaps we should think about purchasing it?  He left the thinking up to me.  SO I thought long and hard about it.  And after about a week, I told him I agreed.  This humungous house was pretty much perfect for us.  Except of course for the carpet, painting, tiles, gates, doors, decking yadda yadda yadda......

Soooooooo............as we begin this journey into home renovation - bare with me!!  This is not my first rodeo renovation, my past life ended at the final stages of an extension.  My plan is to have THIS marriage outlast THIS house!  I will more than likely be committed at some stage, and will require you to tell me that it will all work out.  Please.  Thank you.

Am I crazy?  Do you have any tips for getting through a rather large renovation?

I have a Confession....

I'm an addict.  Not the kind you're possibly thinking of - you know, drugs, alcohol?  Nope.  I'm officially addicted to buying fabric.  And not just a metre here or a metre there.  My addiction is to bulk orders of fabric.  I can't help myself.  I need help.  I've always used the old adage of "It was a bargain - I got it at half price" etc when buying anything, whether it be clothes or household items.  And now it seems I am using the same justification when buying fabric.

I came to this realisation today, when I saw a link to a fabric store with the deadly caption - "50% off".  And before I had even finished reading the sentence, I had clicked on the link and was drooling.  Yep, I have a problem.

But I have made a vow to myself.  No more bulk orders of fabric until after Christmas!!!  And I need you all to remind me of this vow.  Or else I fear I may need some form of rehabilitation.

On the bright side -  you all get a sneak peek at what will be arriving here (possibly only days after last week's order.)  It is so damn gorgeous, and also leads to what I think my next closet addiction could be.....elephants.

So, here's that peek.....

Anyone else out there have the same problem?

I Heart My Wednesday Quickies....

Quicky Chinese massage that is....

Gone are the days I could just book myself in for an hour long "relaxation" massage.  Gone are the days where a massage was purely for relaxation.  Gone are the days of booking in for any sort of appointment, period.

I now treat myself, almost every Wednesday, to a Quicky!  I work Wednesdays, twice a month I finish at 3.30pm, the other two Wednesdays, it's a 5.30 finish.  And I am trying very, very hard to just take 20 minutes after work to fly up to the local shopping centre and throw myself into a cheap, plastic lime green chair.  I then wait for the compulsory napkin-like cloth to be placed over my shoulders, before being pummelled like bread dough.  It's not the most ideal of massages - but gees I love it!

Most times whilst undertaking this sometimes torturous pleasure, the lovely chinese masseuse manages to find the most ridiculously sore spots in my neck and shoulders.  And after I cringe and groan in pain, they always kindly ask if I'm ok?  Ahhhh, yep.....don't talk, keep hurting me!  It's that fine line between pleasure and pain that is the best part.

The parts I do not enjoy?  The constant banter between massage therapists - don't know whether it's Mandarin or Cantonese - either way, I do not understand.  And I'm always curious to know what on earth they are talking about?  I also don't necessarily find their choices of music enjoyable.  It's usually some shady jazz CD, or Chinese mandolin.  Not my preferences.

But you know what?  I DON'T CARE!  It's my 20 minutes.  By myself.  For myself.

Does it matter that as soon as I've paid and farewelled my torturer, I spend the next fifteen minutes scrambling to the car, speeding to creche to pick up the youngest and then speeding to after school care to pick up Chelsea and Cadyn?  Nope.  I just start counting down the hours to my next quicky.....

How do you spend time by yourself, for yourself?

Therapy...

I concluded my last post by stating my next post would have something to do with Therapy, so here I am!

Ther-a-py : –noun, plural -pies.
1. the treatment of disease or disorders, as by some remedial, rehabilitating, or curative process.

2. a curative power or quality.

3. psychotherapy.

4. any act, hobby, task, program, etc., that relieves tension.



Writing, I have found, is very therapeutic. It is really the reason behind me even starting a blog, and although I have not been very religious in posting - often going months without putting hand to keyboard - I find myself writing in my head at times. Strange, but true. Conversations seem to flow so easily inside my head. Sentences rolling off my tongue without any hesitation, and they always make sense. I have often wondered whether this is some form of OCD? The fact that I run through entire future conversations, many I will never even have with people! Sound like I need therapy?

There are so many therapies in this world, from the many wonderful "natural" therapies to the heavy stuff ie. psychotherapy. I am impressed to say I have tried many! When my first marriage broke down (Who am I kidding? When I abandoned my first marriage), I agreed to go to counselling with the ex-husband. This was possibly the most frustrating and, in my opinion, pointless therapy I have ever taken part in. Frustrating because, being the partner in the equation who had already worked through my feelings, I found it hard having to re-hash them - but this time, actually being heard. And pointless because of what I just said - I had already made up my mind and didn't want to have someone trying to coax me into changing it.

I then re-entered counselling a few years later when the aforementioned ex-husband was making my life rather miserable. This round of counselling was much more useful! Last year's journey to a counsellor was for, what I thought, a pretty silly reason. Friendship issues. I found out pretty quickly, that this was NOT a silly reason. Many people seek help for these sorts of problems, generally because they are relationship issues! I think at times, we diminish the impact that our friendships have on our lives - until something negative happens, and we fall in a heap. One session of counselling managed to put a whole lot of worry in to perspective, and for that, I shall be eternally grateful!

And this year? Well, this year, we are beginning a whole new kind of therapy......something I certainly did not ever entertain the idea of, but have really had no choice but to jump in to. My youngest son has had some issues of his own, and we have now sought the services of a child psychologist. Sounds scary, but it really isn't. She now has the title of "Worry Doctor". My first hour with her, spent filling her in on his personality and what was troubling him, ended up being really helpful and eye-opening. The part where I had to go through family history - what a hoot!! And his two sessions with her since have been great. Things are looking up, and a whole new world is being brought to our attention.

So that's my spill. Therapy. Whatever therapy you seek, it will be helpful. If it doesn't solve your problems, there's plenty of others to try! I'm now off to try another.....a couple of hours staring aimlessly at the television!

Ps. Another "Upside" to all this therapy? The reason I am not currently medicated! LOL

Starting again.....

I know in my last post....quite some time ago now....I said I was going to take this blog in another direction - well, didn't I do well? I'm afraid I'm just going to start all over again! Well laid plans and all....

So today's post is "just because". Just because I'm sitting here in front of the computer aimlessly looking through Facebook pages, wasting time. First day of school holidays and my darling cherubs have actually been really good - so far. There's still a few hours to go in this day, so I shall have to wait to see if it's a fluke or not. And then I only have to get through another 13 days before school starts back! I sound keen don't I?

So what am I going to write about today? Well, I read a post on Muddled Up Mumma's blog this morning, and it compelled me to send off an email to a dear friend of mine. She wrote about friendships, and how sometimes they are just left to fall by the wayside. It made me think about my darling friend and the fact that she had moved a few hours away with her family, and I had no idea how she was going or where, in fact, she had actually relocated to. So I sat myself in front of my inbox and tapped away giving her a quick catch up on all the kids, hubby and myself. And I am now finding myself refreshing my emails waiting for her reply!

I think over the years I have let some friendships drift, but I think I'm pretty good at re-connecting when the time arises. Just last week, I added a "friend" to Facebook that I had purposely cut off many years ago. She had been one of my closest friends during my final years of high school, and one of those friends that drifted in and out of my life in the years after school finished. We picked up again just after my first marriage broke down, and she moved in with my son and I - not only to help me out, but also to help her out. Anyway, to cut a long story short - living together didn't quite work out, and eventually I asked her to move out. It didn't end on good terms, and I begrudged the fact that I was owed money and was never given an explanation or apology.

A month or so ago, I saw this friend had joined Facebook and "added" a handful of my friends to her page. It took me a month of umming and ahhing to decide if I should add her or not, but I came to the conclusion that I'm not a grudge holder, and she looked like she had gotten her "shit" together, so I would add her and see what happened. Much to my relief (nobody wants to be turned down on fb!) she added me and it was like nothing had ever happened! I'm rather proud of myself for just "letting go"......and possibly - growing up!

Anyway, that is it for today. Rather a pointless little write, but therapeutic all the same! I will see if I can keep up the therapy in the days to come.....actually, there's the subject of my next blog post - therapy. I'll be back....