Raising a Child Takes A Village - Raising a Child with Social Media Involved Takes An Army.

If you've been around these parts for a while, you will know that I am partial to putting on my ranty pants.  I get my knickers in a knot about all kinds of interesting bullshit - but mostly about teenagers and the way things are today.

Enter today's post.

I think I'm doing an OK job as a parent.  I think that my eldest son's Dad and I, together with my husband and his Dad's partner, are banding together in some kind of strange unity to get him through these revolting teenage years.  If someone had of told me ten years ago that we would be working together, I would have laughed hysterically.  But a couple of months ago, when our son decided it was time to "up the ante" and test the proverbial waters, we all joined forces to SHUT THAT SHIT DOWN.

And it's worked.  So far.

What I AM struggling with, is being aware of everyone else's children.  Being aware of what they're up to, the shit they're getting in to.  And their parents being oblivious to it.  Hey, I'm not saying I'm perfect - clearly not.  It took almost six months for us to find out that our son had been feeding us bullshit sandwiches!  But in relation to social media - I'm on it.  I'm on his back - always have been, always will be.  We have explained to him what is and what is not acceptable when on social media applications.  That "liking" photos of scantly clad women with derogatory memes or FB pages called "Straya C*nt" not only offends me at times, it also shows up on all his other friends news feeds - including his grandmothers........ and that is NOT acceptable.  We have explained to him that just because a 15 year old girl has the username "Infinity_whore" (yes, you read that correctly), does not mean that it is OK.  It in fact means that she is not only degrading herself, she is allowing others to think it's OK to use such derogatory terms.  NOT OK.

I could go on.  And on.  And on.  I have so many tales to tell about instances we have had to pull him up and educate him on how we expect him to be using social media.  And how it doesn't matter whether other parents let their children use it - or in a lot of cases - don't give a shit about how their children use it.  What matters is how HE uses it.

I digress.  The reason I chose to write AGAIN about this, today, is because I have found myself in yet another quandary in regards to knowing about a child's behaviour and trying to decide whether or not to let said child's parents know?  I know the parents, from many years ago, but we are not friends as such.  I have stewed on the information for a couple of weeks now, debating how I would divulge the information?  Would I want to know if it were my young teenage daughter?  Would I want to hear it from someone else?  I put it out there late last night to my FB friends, and the resounding answer was YES.

So this morning I have been stewing further, going over several different drafts in my head, and have put it down in a FB message to before-mentioned Mother.  I am still yet to send it.

Earlier this year, I wrote this status on my personal FB page, after reading THIS post on MamaMia:

"Some of you already know this, but to everyone else - I will contact you if I see your kids posting inappropriately on social media, or if they're younger, just letting you know that their settings are public when perhaps you would like them to be private. I'm hoping you'd all do the same! Social media can be used so wonderfully - to engage with people in a wonderful way - it's such a shame that it gets used so shitfully at times. xx"

And a whole lot of friends agreed to do the same.  In the past couple of years, I've messaged, phoned and emailed parents when I've come across something I feel is either inappropriate or potentially dangerous with regard to their children.  It is always received gratefully, and in some instances, the parents have had absolutely no idea what Facebook or Instagram even are.

My best piece of advice?  Become an expert.  An expert on social media.  Learn how to use all forms of it.  And check in on your children.  See what they are "following", "liking" and laughing at.  Because without your direction and knowledge, they are trying to learn for themselves what is right and wrong.  They are learning from other kids, who possibly don't know what they're doing either.  Social media is a whole new world in terms of parenting.  I was trying to work out what to compare it to - but I've come up with nothing.  Nothing compares to the murky waters that social media has presented to us as parents.  And I hate to think that anything ever will.

Are you navigating the murky waters of teenagers and social media?  How's it working for you?

Another Freakin Cat Post.....

About five weeks ago, it was brought to my attention that our sweet kitten - Bella - had been visiting one of our neighbours and using their ridiculously huge sandpit as a litter box.  Said neighbour came a door knocking to ask if I had a little black cat with a blue tag (council tag)?  Ummm, yes, I said.  He proceeded to tell me that he had trapped her in his back yard and I should come and get her.

WTF?

I walked with this imbecile to his home, about five houses away, all the time asking him incredulously that when he said "trapped her" did he actually trap her?  Yep.  I was greeted at his home by his ever so delightful cranky and mouthy wife, telling me how disgusting it was that my cat was shitting in her kid's sandpit.  I agreed, with a pleasant but confused smile on my face.  As I rounded the corner in to their back yard I was horrified to see our little Bella in a metal trap, freakin out.  My Chelsea (Bella's human mummy) was equally if not more horrified and quickly ran to get her out.  It was a very warm day - we're talking 27 degrees - and Bella had been in this trap for who knows how long, without any water or food.  Cranky pants wifey was talking and I wasn't really listening, as I watched Chelsea take Bella home.  I kept asking cranky and her dickhead husband what exactly it was that they expected me to do?  She's a cat.......

They suggested I needed to keep Bella from entering their property.  Ahuh....right.  I repeated that she was a cat, and perhaps they could look at getting a cover for their sandpit - LIKE MOST PEOPLE WITH COMMON SENSE WOULD DO.  Nope.  Nope, not something they would consider.  So after a few more minutes of banter, and me telling them I would do my best, and perhaps they could think of some natural deterrents to keep cat/s away from their sandpit, I wandered off - bewildered.

I mean, is it me, or is going to the trouble of hiring a trap from the council to willingly trap a beautiful little kitten - who just happens to be registered with the council and is not some random stray - just bizarre?

For the following week, I kept Bella inside the house because I was basically too scared to let her out, for fear they would either trap her again, or do something worse.....

Fast forward to last week.  I was sitting upstairs and saw a council van pull in to the driveway.  Didn't take me long to figure out why they were here.......  Ever so lovely ranger tells me that he has my cat in his van.  It had been trapped by someone in the neighbourhood.  I asked him by who, and when he said he couldn't tell me - I told him.  With some very choice words.  I was not a lady.....

I asked HIM what the f*ck I was expected to do?  Well, his suggestions were nothing short of amusing.  Apparently "people" cut slits in pvc pipes, and put them over their fences so cats can't jump over them. Mmmmmmm, that's fabulous!  Cos I want my home to look like some kind of DYI disaster?  I'm thinking razor wire would be equally as effective?  Give it that "detention centre" shine?

Orrrr, we could build/buy a cat run?  Oh yeh, cos that's why you have a pet cat.  So it can be trapped in a f*cking wire enclosed building.  Sure.

Orrrrrr, we could just keep the cat inside - like - forever.

I very politely sarcastically, with a touch of f*ck you, told the ranger that the use of common sense was lacking in some people's brains, and that the council's  willingness to go along with those lacking common sense made me very cranky.  Collected Bella from the TRAP in his van and gave him a generous wave and smile and sent him on his way.

A few days later, he returned with the official letter of complaint and warning, that if Bella steps paw on their property again, we will incur a fine and Bella would be impounded.  Nice.

Now - the husband and I have had a few interesting conversations about the predicament we have found ourselves in.  He suggested we could go and shovel some of our dog shit on to their front yard, but hey, that wouldn't be very neighbourly would it?  I had a friend on Facebook offer us some chicken shit to share with them, but I thought that was too kind, because at least you can use chicken poop to fertilise your garden?  All I've managed to do is give the a*sehole a good case of staring as I drove past their home this afternoon.  Time will tell.......

In the meantime, I am trying not to lose my proverbial mind over the fact that I now have a kitty-cat trying not to lose HER mind at the fact that she can no longer go out and enjoy the great outdoors.  Long gone are her days of climbing the trees in our front yard, or wrestling with our two puppy dogs in the backyard.  Now her days are spent staring longingly out the windows, meowing incessantly and clawing any or all the furniture she can possibly manage without copping an earful from me.

Not to mention the fact that every time I hear the front or back door open everyone yells "DON'T LET BELLA OUT'!!!!!!!  Followed by the sound of running as the closest person to the door chases after her if she's managed to escape.

Soooooo, friends.  I ask you this - what would you do?  I understand, I really do, that there are cat haters out there.  In fact, I used to be one myself.  Before I was a cat owner, I had to go and buy sandpit covers begrudgingly to keep the neighbourhood cats from deficating in said sandpit.  It's common sense yes?  And even now, as a cat lover liker I have had to throw things at random cats who've come a knocking at our door to pester our own cats.  Once again, common sense?

I'm seriously at a loss.  Help.

***  Cat haters and non-constructive comments will not be appreciated.  Although if they're highly amusing comments I may laugh.

****  We are responsible cat owners who bring their cat inside at night and register her too.

Sign Of The Times?

Do you remember when you were growing up and you'd hear your grandparents say "Back in my day...." or your parents say "when I was a girl....."?  Do you remember rolling your eyes and thinking "yeh, yeh" and wondering what all the fuss was about?  Thinking that all of them were just old fogies who had no idea about what you were going through, about the type of world you were growing up in?  And thinking "when I'm a parent, I'm NEVER going to be like that!"?  Well, I feel like I'm in a never-ending version of that complete paragraph at present!

One word - Teenagers.

I want to know what on earth has happened in the 20 years since I finished being a teenager?  Since when did it become OK to do everything that it wasn't OK to do when I was a teenager?  Have I really been living under a rock BOULDER???  I don't think I'm naive, I don't think I'm a fuddy duddy, in fact I think I'm a pretty COOL MUM.  But if the teenage years get more eventful and more testing the older they get - I could lose my cool.....

At 14 years of age, I had only just relinquished my Barbie dolls, started filling out a bra and was not remotely interested in sex.  Don't get me wrong - I had a pulse, and hormones, so I knew the opposite sex existed - I just wasn't interested nor prepared to get involved in anything more than a kiss.

Fast forward to 2013........where 13 year olds think it's OK to drop the F bomb in front of their friends' Mum.  Where parents think it's ok for the same age girls to roam the streets after 5pm, hang out with boys unsupervised and wear the most ridiculously skimpy clothes known to man.  Morals are thrown out the window (or maybe they're just not taught?), restrictions on phone calls don't exist (can you imagine calling someone at 11pm back in 1988?) and writing on FB that you're on the phone to your "sexy boyfriend".  13.  THIRTEEN.

You may have guessed what I'm dealing with?  I thought the fact I had to go and borrow the "Where do I come from" book last week, for the younger members of the family, was enough sex talk for at least a month, but apparently not.  It seems my world has now become one of repetitive conversations about what is appropriate and/or inappropriate behaviour.  

Remember this little gem of a book?

The expectations I have as a parent are pretty simple - I thought?  But I'm slowly realising that perhaps my expectations are completely out of whack with the time I'm living in?  A certain someone said to me today that he was "glad he doesn't have daughters".  And I replied that I was glad I did, because I will teach my daughters (and my sons!) morals, self-esteem and love.  That my daughters will have a slew of restrictions of what/how they can and cannot wear, do, say and behave.  And that there will be consequences for the choices they make in their lives.  Am I really being THAT unrealistic to think that I can have so much input in to how my children are going to turn out?  Do I have to just give in to the fact that times have changed and expectations appear to be somewhat lowered?

I'm doing my best.  I'm having VERY open and honest conversations on a very regular basis.  I'm ensuring the teenager is informed and protected.  But I feel like I'm going "against the tide" so to speak.

Do you have teenagers?  Do you have expectations?  Discuss!

I've got My Ranty Pants on.....Again

So I have my ranty pants on tonight.  Most of my ranting of late is to do with social networking and teenagers.  Basically because I have a teenager and he lives and breaths social networking.  Don't get me wrong - I am quite obviously in to social networking, but the past six months or so have opened my eyes way more than I am comfortable with in regards to the way our teenagers are portraying themselves to the world.

And here are just a couple of examples why.....

I've been banging on to Lochie about being aware of what he is "liking" on FB.  The fact that when I look through my newsfeed I can see that he likes 50 girls status's and/or photos of them leaning forward in to the camera lens with their tongue hanging out the side of their mouths makes me queasy.  Not because he likes that sort of shit - he's a teenage boy with a pulse - but because these girls are putting that crap up there for him and a million other boys and possibly pedophiles to see....

The fact that I can then (if I wanted to) right click on any of said photos and save them to my computer makes me ill.  And I'm a harmless, 37 year old Mother of four.  Who else could save these photos to salivate over???

Then there's the posts he likes from ridiculous FB pages and/or groups.  One of them was beautifully titled "Straya C*nts".  Lovely.  Let's just say I was able to delete this page from his list whilst I still had his password...  I pointed out to my beloved son that not only was I seeing this shit in my newsfeed, so were his grandparents and potentially anyone else who had eyesight.  I am no prude, and have been known to drop the odd "C" bomb, but would not and could not in front of my parents or grandparents.

Last week was the straw that broke the camel's Mummy's sanity!  Now that Instagram is gaining a tight hold on everyone, it seems a young girl whom I'm assuming is probably quite charming, has named herself "Infinity Whore"......and Lochie is "following" her.  There are so many things wrong with this scenario I don't even know where to begin.  The bottom line is this - no 14 year old girl should be naming herself in any way, shape or form a Whore.  Not for amusement, not for popularity and certainly not for anything but degradation.  Unfortunately it took quite a few conversations, raised voices and the reality that he will some day in the near future have two sisters the same age as this girl, to finally get through to him that this was NOT OK.  Oh, and a phone call to his Father threatening not to pay phone bills or give him access to any form of internet and/or phone if he did not use communication tools in a way I find respectable.

  I posted this on his FB page and we spoke about it.  I think I'm on track....

{Source unknown due to random FB post}

To top all of this, last night whilst scrolling through  FB world, I see my darling son has liked a young girl's status about it being nice to know that some people care out there.  For some unknown reason it raised my curiosity, and when I clicked on this girl's page I was horrified.  There were several posts about wanting to kill herself.  About how close she lives to a train line.  And that she had tried to kill herself the previous night.  As I read through it all, I wondered who her parents were?  I wondered who I could contact to let them know their baby was in trouble?  And as I scrolled down this stranger's page, I recognised two other children in her photos.......  They just happen to be a friend's children, and after emailing said friend, I find out this morning that she is the friend's step-daughter.

My friend was very grateful I had emailed her, and during a phone call this morning explained that the young girl had been banned from FB, but had obviously opened up her own account and gone on to block all family members from any access to her page.  What she didn't think about was the ever growing six degrees of separation that FB has helped to create and make public.  Her step-mother now has screen shots of her page so she can somehow deal with the situation at hand.

Now I questioned my actions this morning.  Should I have butted in?  Should I have made contact and let this girl's family know what was going on?  I DID NOT HESITATE.  I would want someone - anyone, to butt in and contact me if God forbid I had no idea.  And as another friend pointed out - I could not live with myself if I hadn't and something happened.

It has also made me wonder how parents are dealing with the 24/7 presence of social media in our children's lives?  Another friend asked me last week how long I thought it would be before Lochie would no longer allow me to be friends with him on FB?  Ummmmmm - how about NEVER?!?!  We have rules in this family - and many relate to his usage of FB.  I believe that having his password for the first couple of years he was on there was the single most smartest thing I could have done.  I picked up so many inappropriate things, but turned them in to lessons for him.  He knows that if he wants to use FB, he needs to follow my wishes of using it respectfully - OR HE WON'T HAVE IT.  As I said to him last week - having his phone, laptop and unlimited access to WiFi is a PRIVILEGE,  NOT A RIGHT.  And I am more than happy to remove his privileges whenever I see fit.....

Sooooo..........how are you dealing with your kids and social media?  Would you alert a parent to a potential issue on their child's page?

Discuss.....

The God Father.......Minus The Horse's Head

Yesterday was yet another big day in our family's lives....Chelsea played in her second basketball grand final in a row!  Thankfully the result was better than the first - with a super come from behind win in the dying minutes!  Elation all round as parents hugged each other, families hugged eachother and I looked down to see Cadyn crying tears of happiness for his sister.  His Dad, my husband, the coach - was not too far behind him in the tears department.  Never in my life did I ever think I would be part of a ridiculously sporty family - but I am, and I'm very proud!

After the game, we had to wait around for an hour or so for team photos, and whilst I was standing amongst the throngs of people, I spotted a girl I went to high school with.  She was actually the first person I was introduced to on my first day of high school in Melbourne - way back in July 1990!  And her name was Melissa also.  I ended up moving friend groups, but we were always friendly and as the years went by, several things meant we would always seem to see one another.

One of those things was my relationship with my ex-husband.  His best friend was Melissa's brother-in-law.  His best friend would also end up standing up with us at our wedding and was also chosen to be my eldest son's God Father a couple of years later.  I can still remember his wife's conversation with me after he had been asked to take the role in our son's life.  She had said how honoured he was and that he insisted on choosing a gift and writing in the card himself.  His words were chosen carefully and I can recall being touched with how seriously he took the role of God Parent.

I bumped in to him yesterday.  I haven't seen him for a couple of years.  And he hasn't seen him God Son for at least five years.  For some reason, unknown to me, he slipped out of our lives and cut all ties with my ex-husband.  Well, I understand that part - just not why I didn't hear from them?  I have continued to send school photos with Christmas cards, on the off chance that he still cared about his God Son, but after a while got no response, so had just assumed they must have moved.  But no.  They're still at the same address.

We had a lovely chat and I showed him photos of his God Son on my phone, and he couldn't believe how much he had grown up.  I could - because I see him every day.  I wanted to say that to him, I wanted to question why he had dropped the ball as a God Parent, and why I have to explain to Lachlan that he does in fact have a God Father, but I have no idea why he doesn't have a relationship with him.  It makes me sad.  But then I remember he has an awesome God Mother, who has always gone above and beyond - even from another State - to forge a great relationshp with him.

The amount of thought that has gone in to choosing God Parents for our children is huge.  It's not something we took on lightly.  Although they were all baptised, I am not an overly religious human being, but I wanted my kids to have special relationships with another set of adults whom they could always trust and turn to if they ever thought they couldn't come to us.

Chelsea's God Parents are amazing.  They also happen to be mine and Andrew's best friends.  Cadyn's God Parents have moved a few hours away, and in her own words are "hopeless" God Parents.  I have to remind him who they are.  I still send them school photos on the off chance they want them.  And I still dearly love them regardless!!  He also has one of Andrew's brothers' as a third God Parent - which is fabulous, because he always takes the time out to spend some one on one time with him.  And Chloe?  Well thank God we chose another one of Andrew's brothers' to step up to the plate for her!  Chloe's God Mother chose to sever our friendship, and in turn her role as God Mother, a couple of years ago.  They were very, very close and had an amazing bond.  A bond that has now thankfully been formed with her God Father's long term girlfriend.

I take my own role as God Mother very seriously!  I have three "official" God daughters, one of them interstate, one overseas and one is my niece here in Melbourne.  I also have a number of very special, close to my heart kids whom I would move mountains for!  So it really bothers me when others don't see it as such a special honour and a chance to form a relationship with a little person that can continue for decades.  My own God Mother will always have a special place in my heart and has always been around for me.  And for that - I am eternally grateful.

So - do you believe in God parents?  What does it mean to you?

With freedom comes responsibility...sort of

The freedom that comes with your children wanting to walk home from school by themselves is rather liberating.  There's an extra 30 minutes in my day that I do not have to spend in and out of the car.  I don't have to stop what I'm doing, run around like mad looking for Chloe's shoes and making sure doors are locked and everything's turned off.  I don't have to grab my purse and phone and keys and run through all sorts of inclement weather conditions to make it up our muddy driveway and throw Chloe in to the car.  It's fabulous.

BUT

The responsibility that has now been given to my two middle children is great.  In fact, it's huge.  We practised the walk home a couple of times together before I took a big breath and agreed to their wish of walking home together.  I reiterated the importance of walking briskly towards the main road, so as to make it there whilst the crossing lady was still on duty.  I repeated myself more times than I care to remember, the importance of sticking together and crossing at official crossing points.  And I gave Chelsea the all important role of Key Holder.  She was so very proud that I had enough trust in her to hand her a key to the house.

Now it seems I must have failed in a couple of areas whilst preparing them both for not only walking home by themselves, but also arriving home to an empty house on occasion, when I have not yet returned home from work.  I DID tell them they had to call me as soon as they walked in the door, so I know they're safely home.  I DID tell them they are to lock the door behind them, and do not answer it for ANYONE.  Apparently, I did not make it clear that they weren't to take any detours on their way home.  And apparently, asking Chelsea if she has her house key as we are leaving in the morning, and her answering "yes", does not necessarily mean she has it.....as demonstrated this afternoon.

Last week, I was patiently waiting for my 4pm phone call from the kids.  I had just been telling a work mate about how well they were doing at their new school, and how they had been so very responsible.  4.05 came and went, so I called home.  No answer.  4.15 came and went, so I called home.  By the time they finally answered the phone at 4.25 I was less than amused and had quite frankly started having a little panic in the pit of my stomach.

Me: Cadyn, where have you guys been?

Cadyn: Ummmmm, I got kept back in class.

Me: For half an hour??

Cadyn: Ummmmmm, yeh.

I had a quick word with him about how worried I was and left it at that, for the time being.  I spoke with Andrew whilst we were both driving home from work and we both agreed someone was telling a porky pie.....

After dinner, we sat them both down and Andrew began his version of the Spanish inquisition.  He basically asked why on earth they took almost one hour to get home?

Cadyn:  Ummmm, I got kept back in class and blah blah blah blah blah....

Andrew and I spot the strange look on Chelsea's face, and at this point, Andrew holds his hand up to Cadyn, swiftly turns to Chelsea and asks "What happened Chelsea?"

Chelsea:  We stopped at the park on the way home for a play......

*****Crickets*****

The silence was then swiftly followed by many examples of what could happen to them whilst taking an unscheduled detour, without anyone knowing.  Nothing like a bit of scare tactics to make sure they get the point?  Takes stranger danger to a whole new level!

SO what did we learn from this exercise?  Well, I learnt that my kids are still quite naive.  Which is both a good and bad thing.  We never like to believe that our kids are growing up, but just when you accept they are, they do something that makes you realise they are still just babies.  I also learnt that they have not memorised any important phone numbers!  Whilst I was worried about some evil pervert snatching them from the park, Andrew pointed out that if either of them hurt themselves, and a good samaritan wanted to help - how could they if nobody knew our contact numbers?

Next step?  Writing our contact numbers in big black texta on the inside of their school bags!  Or alternatively, a trip to the tattooist......

How old were you when you were given such freedom and responsibility?  Do your kids you have tattoos?